Pre-Partum Impressions

by Miles Falvy

so im like stuck in my womb again today. the rents wont let me go out. total control freaks. its soooo boring. i can hear them but I cant talk to anyone. mom complains that im kicking too much. well duh. ever think about giving me a cell phone?

ok, so it doesnt totally suck. this amniotic fluid stuff rocks, actually. u should try some.

i dunno exactly whats going on out there but we don’t seem to be moving around all that much. i remember mom used to go all kinds of places. there was the bike rack place and the place she called whole paycheck and something called chicago. in between we would ride in some humming machine she called the volvo. mom was always happy when we got upgraded to first class.

now she hardly moves at all. i can hear lots of machines. theyve got some weird techno music playing. its like the drum machine is synched with my heartbeat. totally freaks me out. i wish she’d play some u2.

mom says shes tired of looking at the same view everyday. u should try it in here! same walls, same dumb placenta, same muffled voices. they didnt even give me a dvd player. i guess theres cable, but i only get the food network.

my dad sounds kinda crazy. his footsteps have changed… kind of syncopated. he says someone kicked him and hurt his knee. i dont think it was me. i just kick mom.

dads always telling me to relax. relax yourself! im not the one whos like freaking out all the time. they say I need to keep baking in the oven. yo, news flash to parentals: im not like some kind of flippin donut. im a kid. i just need some space. geez.

still, i guess ive got it pretty good here. theres plenty of time to get some thinking done, especially now that ive like got a brain.

mom is really looking out for me. everybody says shes doing all this for me, so that ill grow up to be big and strong. i guess i can sit tight for a while. plus shes always cooking something good for dinner.

thanks, mom!